Bookish Burnout
Between bookstagram, these blog posts, and personal projects—I think it’s fair to say I have a quite a bit on my creative plate right now. It’s not even that I feel particularly pressured to post often on here or bookstagram; more so that I just love to share content, be it my thoughts, a picture I particularly liked, or the art I’m working on. I genuinely love everything that I’m involved in! However, my mind hasn’t really taken a break lately— always thinking of the next book to read or the next idea I want to jump onto, and these last two weeks, my sleep deprivation has been at an all time high. Needless to say, I’m getting just a bit burnt out from it all.
If you’re not familiar with burnout, here’s a quick definition a la Google’s first result: “Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.” As a Cal student, I’m no stranger to burnout due to keeping up with academics, putting my 110% into extracurriculars, networking, and finding time for friends and my personal projects. You should have seen my Google Calendar last semester; every hour had a colorful block full of tasks or meetings or just work. Since quarantine started, I definitely don’t have as much of a regimented schedule, so this busy lifestyle has eased up a bit (read: a lot. I’ve eaten many a midnight ice cream hehe). However, since the inception of this website and bookstagram, I’ve been throwing myself into this space: cataloguing my thoughts on books, taking pictures for the optimal feed, drafting posts, and trying to make as many authentic connections as I can through this community. But what I really want to talk about today is all of our towering TBRs, and how mine had become a silently growing pile of anxiety. The read more/read fast mentality is partially fueled by Goodreads and bookstagram (seeing people’s reading goals hit the three digits makes me feel less of a reader at times), but its also this anxiety that I have so much I want to read, so much media I want to consume, that it feels like there’s not enough hours in a day for everything I’m interested in. That being said, I’ve started to even struggle with finishing books because it felt more like a responsibility than anything else. Which is ridiculous! Reading is a pastime that I love, something I view to be necessary in examining the human experience, so this need to commodify it into a quick blurb makes it almost difficult for me to just appreciate the words for what they are. Not only that, the type of book affects this quantity too—finishing Ulysses is a different sort of experience than finishing The Lightning Thief (though both masterpieces in their own right). By only seeing the number on people’s yearly goals, it’s easy to feel lesser, but like many things in this world, it’s also not the full picture.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love putting action to my ideas, and it’s incredibly satisfying to put words to experiences and thoughts. The problem is, alongside typical burn out where I feel a genuine anxiety to get everything done and keep up, I also have this excited frenzy to work on every project/read every book that interests me. I feel almost overwhelmed by how much I want to finish in this lifetime. There’s this cognitive dissonance that happens when I think about my desire to be a “renaissance woman” and needing to admit that I have limitations. There are so many interests and skills I want to pursue, that it feels like if I’m not squeezing every day to being productive in some capacity, then I’ve failed. This feeling easily extends to how I’ve been handling social media like bookstagram since the numbers and comparison game only exacerbate this feeling. It makes you think: How does this person read so fast? Should I try to read faster? How can I catch up? Am I less of a reader if I haven’t finished 50 books? This is all to say: to what end would I ever be satisfied? It’s a slippery slope, and one I don’t want to find myself falling on.
So, what’s the answer to burnout then? How can I still do all that I want without exhausting myself emotionally, physically, creatively? The answer is obvious, though often difficult in execution, and it lies in diligence and prioritization. As someone prone to long bursts of inspiration and productivity, only to become overloaded with projects, I know I need to measure things out more. To take a step back and just dedicate pockets of time for my passions every day rather than eight hours for one activity. I’ve always been proud of my ability to focus and dedicate time to my work, but on the flip side, hours of one thing, at the cost of sleep or filling my creative well, can be mentally exhausting. As cliche as it sounds, moderation is key, and finding what that balance means for you is more important than any number of followers or how many short-term projects you finish. From this past week, that’s come through being more intentional with my reading and letting myself experiment freely with new ideas (hence creating an East Asian/Asian-American reading resource deck and even a spontaneous IGTV discussion!). These excursions from what I had initially intended to be “my content” have let me breathe a little more freely, and it’s helped me feel less pigeonholed. At the same time, they’ve let me just sit and enjoy the books I’m already reading rather than scroll through the hundreds of books on my feed and explore page, where digital clutter is truly very prevalent. By prioritizing, rather than just churning out a review as fast as possible, I’ve allowed myself more time to just stew with my thoughts. I gave myself time to just read. This isn’t a perfect balance yet, far from it, but I’m prouder of the posts from this last week than the majority of random content I started with (which I’ll be showing next week in my one month on bookstagram wrap up).
To conclude, these last three weeks on bookstagram have been incredible—the amount of amazing conversations and new book recommendations have left me more inspired and motivated than ever. For these reasons, I’m comfortable sharing this process on here. I know how hard it is to feel as though you have to get your work perfect from the get go, and I know how intimidating it must feel to see people put out a review every day. But trust me when I say that posting everything just to garner attention isn’t the solution, nor is speed reading for the sake of putting out something new. It’s taken me three weeks on bookstagram to really hit my stride and know the sort of captions/content I want to be putting out there, and even that’s still evolving! And, after intentionally spacing out my content more, I’ve noticed that its eased up a lot of cognitive workload for me without even sacrificing the community aspect I love from bookstagram. I’m slowly but surely finding my balance with all of my new projects, and that’s okay. The people who matter will stick it out with you regardless, and I think this mindset can be applied to more than just bookstagram but also life in general.
In short: things take time. Cultivating your niche, working projects through completion, building a community are long term endeavors, so it makes sense to view your reading journey in such a lens as well. As we explore genres and new perspectives, it shouldn’t be something easily consumed if we’re truly learning and digesting the material. Trust that the things you find important to share and learn will find its audience eventually. In the same vein, have faith that the minutes you put in every day towards your passions and your interests will payoff. Take a break. Fill that creative well. Let your ideas eddy and swirl together. Read, read, read.
And, when you’re ready, step back into the ring.
Follow me on my journey! @mytholoji <3
