you’re the breeze in my austin nights

AH! It’s been months since my last post at all, let alone my last blog update! Honestly, so many experiences can be summarized in just a few strokes: graduated, started work, moved to Austin, played a lot of Valorant. When phrased like that, it feels like time has completely escaped me, spilling through my fingertips. But I think a lot has happened and changed, even if it doesn’t necessarily feel like it! Could Christina a year ago have predicted that she’d be here?

I think the easiest thing to talk about first would be Austin. Honestly, the most life changing thing is that living here basically forced me to learn how to drive!! I’ve had my license for a while, but I never really had a reason to drive during college. So the fact that I can now drive between Sugar Land and Austin is! Kind of! Momentous to me! Small wins, but to me, I feel like it’s given me a sense of newfound agency :’)

Beyond that, Austin has been a great opportunity to reconnect with some old friends! I’ve wanted to get out of Texas my whole life, so it’s always felt counterproductive and counterintuitive to myself to choose Austin…but one of my biggest regrets from high school was not cherishing my friendships enough. So the fact that now I can hang out with friends from then, and learn about each other on a deeper level, is very reaffirming. It gives me a sense of warmth: there’s no relationship that is too distant to salvage, as long as you try. I talk more with some of these old acquaintances more than my college friends some days, which admittedly made me feel a little odd at first. But! I’m learning to not take things so personally — meeting people half way is something I’m trying to incorporate into my daily life. It’s okay to yield, to not feel like the burden of a friendship is just on you. Being a good friend doesn’t mean that you have to be talking to them every single day; friendship is much too precious and important to be defined by a task like that. We’re all figuring it out!

Of course, I can’t talk about adult life without the weird help that Valorant has given me! The transition into adulthood has been made surprisingly easy by how I’ve made friends via gaming :’) As someone who usually plays indie games/RPGs on my own, Valorant is my first ever FPS/competitive game. It’s the first game that made me have to look for community to play with: searching far and wide for old and new friends. I’ve been playing since last June, and while I cannot say that I’ve gotten much better at the game yet, it’s been a surprsing constant in my life. I’ve met some close friends from this game—even met them IRL at my Halloween party!!—and it’s given me confidence that I’m able to still make new friends like this.

In the past, there have been other big servers I kept up for games like Among Us, and while the temporality of these communities never fails to make me anxious of “when is it all going to end,” I’ve learned to be okay with it. I’m enjoying it for what it is now! And it’s alleviated the loneliness of moving to a new city, while also being a new conversation starter. Of course, I want to make sure this transfers to real life interactions too, but hosting my first big party last October has proven to me that it’s definitely possible. Just, overall, very touched when people put more into the server for the sake of gaming together, and even if this server isn’t forever, it’s made me feel like I’ll still be okay when it ends. (Also! Ah! I went blonde for my Princess Peach costume for the party!)

There’s also something intrinsically rewarding in obsessing over something and noticing that you’re getting better at it. Right now, we’re all trying to rank up together, and it feels like a little anime training arc when we practice together :D It's an interesting balance of making sure I’m having fun, while also taking it seriously because it’s a team game. I’ve just never really had an experience quite like this before, and while I know it isn’t new for many others, it’s definitely a departure from my usual story-based gameplay. I’m seeing some Valorant friends in person soon again, and it’s wild to me how close we’ve gotten just because we were looking for friends to play with <3

It’s so bizarre to me that I still cannot quite picture what Summer 2023 Christina will be doing, let alone 2024 Christina. There’s something very enticing about uncertainty, and while I don’t mind the status quo, I know I’m always looking for the next way to elevate myself. I feel guilty these days for just going to work, then walking or bouldering, then straight into gaming. It does feel like I haven’t spent enough time on my own, just writing or reading or playing my own games, and I miss the intensity of diving into stories, the fire that comes with reaching for dreams. I want to do more projects like coding small games, or managing my Bookstagram again!

Moving forward, I want to incorporate that fervor for solo experiences into my life again. But, I think given that I graduated with the intention of learning how to prioritize friendships, I’ve been really successful! It tells me that I can adapt and change when I want to. And I never want to feel stagnant in my life. My stance on ambition and contentment continues to evolve! True friendship is not such a fickle thing that I should feel responsible for its upkeep. It’s a two way street. It’s okay to yield.

Current media consumption: Japanese Breakfast, Mitski, Valorant, Sable, Fire Emblem: Engage, Blue Lock, Fruits Basket, Haikyuu Season 4, Snow White with the Red Hair