devotions, by mary oliver*

*Surprisingly NOT a book review, but I think a lot of the questions posed here bubble up from my subconscious due to her work

Hello once more from 2am Christina! Maybe this is my most productive hour? Who’s to say that this isn’t what peak performance looks like? (Also…I am a little ashamed to admit that it has been 2 months since the last blog post…)

Anyways — it’s summer now! I’ve completed my junior year!! It feels so strange to say that I’m a senior now, though I suppose that’s exacerbated by the fact that about half of my existing college experience has been virtual. It feels like time is passing just a little too quickly these days, yet also unbearably slow. What’s that saying again? The days are long, but the years are short? Sounds about right.

In terms of updates, I don’t have any life-altering, earth-shattering revelations, but I do have some mundane ones that I’m sure I’ll look back on nostalgically. My classes ended on great notes (would totally recommend any classes with Professor Zook), successfully wrapped up my year as Marketing Manager for the DailyCal, watched Demon Slayer: Mugen Train about 4 times, and my best friend flew to California for two weeks. Honestly speaking, these are some of the most peaceful times I feel like I’ve ever had. It feels weird—peace, that is—because as I’ve never really felt comfortable being “unproductive.” This past semester has felt like time in stasis. I’ve been struggling to tell if that means I’m getting too comfortable, or if this is how life is supposed to be lived: days reading on the Glade, catching up with friends, naps in my small apartment. Of course, all the while keeping on top of academics and responsibilities, but I’m usually someone always looking for the next step, some novel way to pass the time.

I really don’t know what it means to live a life well lived, and I think that’s what I’m having the most trouble with. I guess that’s what we’re all trying to figure out for ourselves, especially in the dynamic years of our twenties. This could 1000% just be the influence of all the Mary Oliver poems I’ve been reading, but isn’t just existing on this earth such a miracle? I feel like I don’t cherish every moment enough sometimes, mostly because, at any given moment, I’m taunted by what it even means to “cherish.”

How do I honor this life I have: Maximizing every second towards goals? Forsake traditional notions of success for dreams? Simply be okay with doing nothing, with not needing to prove the worth of my existence in any tangible manner? And yet, and yet — how do I live without regret? It’s not that my headspace is actually cluttered with such articulate questions (I’d be a god at Philosophy if that were the case), but I think these put the strange stasis I’m feeling into words. The world has paused, so have I, and where do I go now.

Not really sure where this rambly post is going, but it’s not that I’m especially anxious about these questions. More so that, I’m scared I won’t accomplish all I want in this life, yet I also don’t ever want to put accomplishments over what’s really important—things like family, friends, and honestly just finding fun in the mundane and everyday. At the same time, I want to leave a legacy that transcends the confines of my 5’3 body or this apartment on Telegraph. I don’t think that these desires are mutually exclusive, but it’s always hard to find the sweetest slice of the middle ground.

I’m probably just feeling this way from binge-reading Tokyo Revengers last night, but themes of legacy, bravery, honor always hit the hardest for me. I want to be someone who people can depend on, and I also want to skip to the part where I am completely a self-sufficient adult. The world is starting to open up again, slowly but surely, and normalcy brings about a sense of urgency in me to figure this all out faster. To be fair, I don’t think anyone, regardless of age, quite has it all worked out.

Beyond these sun-filled days of reading and anime, I’m excited to move soon! New spaces (an apartment with my own single!) brings about a sense of change in the air that I always love. I also start interning at Paramount in a month, which makes me especially excited to see where my creative journey will take me! There is so much in this world to be explored, and my last year at Cal just means I’ll have 2 more semesters to find new experiences at every corner. Above all, despite the general insecurities that come from being in my twenties, I've found that I truly adore being at Cal.

Go bears!

Thumbnail picture is from Cafe Strada in Berkeley

Current faves: My 32 oz Fog Hydro Flask, The Story of a New Name, Tokyo Revengers, Poke & Salmon Don, white tops, tan lines